weighty issues
The first time I had an eating or weight issue of any kind was deliberate, when I was 14. I had a terrible relationship with my mother and I was depressed, and I had started losing my appetite. I lost weight. I was very close to the parents of some of my friends and they noticed and became worried about me being so thin. I thought, wow, this gets attention, and continued to barely eat at home at family meals and complain about not being hungry, even mentioning that people were pointing out my loss of weight. No use; my mother did not notice or acknowledge.
The next time was the year after college; I was doing a teaching scholarship in Vienna and was terribly lonely. That - in combination with the fantastic markets of the city where you could get 50 kinds of grains, hundreds of types of tea, endless amounts of cheese, and olives, and flowers, and pickles, and and and - led me to gain as much weight as I've ever maintained: I spent a ton of time shopping at markets and cooking and preparing salads and polenta dishes and vegetable stirfry and eating the most amazing breads and pastries. I burst out of all my clothes; my face in pictures is a pancake.
Since then, it's been the loss of appetite and weight that kicks in periodically when I'm under stress or having a particularly bad phase of depression. Three times now my doctor has put me on Remeron, an anti-depressant that causes appetite, and how. The last two times, within the past 10 years, the Remeron made me eat like a pack of wolves, obsess about eating, not be able to think of anything else. Both times I had to go off after about 5 months and 25 new pounds. I'm on it again now and have gained, again, to the point that within 2 weeks my pants and jeans are squeezing me and I inevitably feel fat. So I just went to Old Navy and bought some size 4 jeans and put away the size 2. I feel better.
I never thought I had any "eating issues" - just the lack of appetite when I get very depressed or stressed out, usually over work. One of the most amazing movies I've seen and recommend to everyone is Eating. The setting is a triple birthday party in a big Los Angeles house full of women guests, and, as is usual at parties, the centerpiece is food. The viewer is allowed in to see how each of the women relates to food; for every one of them, food is part of a relationship, and every woman relates to it differently. I saw it once in a theater with a friend who cried the whole way through. I saw it years later with another friend at her home and she was upset for days. Even if you think you have no issues with food, you're likely to relate to one of the women, and it's so powerful, so intimate, that it's likely to haunt you.
gertrude
The next time was the year after college; I was doing a teaching scholarship in Vienna and was terribly lonely. That - in combination with the fantastic markets of the city where you could get 50 kinds of grains, hundreds of types of tea, endless amounts of cheese, and olives, and flowers, and pickles, and and and - led me to gain as much weight as I've ever maintained: I spent a ton of time shopping at markets and cooking and preparing salads and polenta dishes and vegetable stirfry and eating the most amazing breads and pastries. I burst out of all my clothes; my face in pictures is a pancake.
Since then, it's been the loss of appetite and weight that kicks in periodically when I'm under stress or having a particularly bad phase of depression. Three times now my doctor has put me on Remeron, an anti-depressant that causes appetite, and how. The last two times, within the past 10 years, the Remeron made me eat like a pack of wolves, obsess about eating, not be able to think of anything else. Both times I had to go off after about 5 months and 25 new pounds. I'm on it again now and have gained, again, to the point that within 2 weeks my pants and jeans are squeezing me and I inevitably feel fat. So I just went to Old Navy and bought some size 4 jeans and put away the size 2. I feel better.
I never thought I had any "eating issues" - just the lack of appetite when I get very depressed or stressed out, usually over work. One of the most amazing movies I've seen and recommend to everyone is Eating. The setting is a triple birthday party in a big Los Angeles house full of women guests, and, as is usual at parties, the centerpiece is food. The viewer is allowed in to see how each of the women relates to food; for every one of them, food is part of a relationship, and every woman relates to it differently. I saw it once in a theater with a friend who cried the whole way through. I saw it years later with another friend at her home and she was upset for days. Even if you think you have no issues with food, you're likely to relate to one of the women, and it's so powerful, so intimate, that it's likely to haunt you.
gertrude
posted by Gertrude at 3:34 PM
1 Comments:
I am glad you're gaining again. I worry, you know.
Have you read The Hungry Self by Kim Chernin? If not, I recommend it. It's a fascinating look at women and eating, body identity, and how mother-daughter relationships come into play.
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